Instead of breaking the rules, I’m making my own

Embracing my rule following nature

(This is an audio version of this letter, recorded by me, imperfectly and without editing. I hope you enjoy listening.)

That one time I did break a rule I guess (I had forgotten (suppressed?) this). The notice reads ‘Not eating, drinking or smoking on these steps’, and I almost proudly hold up the wrap I was eating — that’s how rare breaking a rule is for me, something that needs to be captured.

Hello, I’m Philippine and to be honest, I feel like a beginner at life – I am forever trying to make sense of it. You can find my attempts at this, plus reflections, musings and experiences right here, in my newsletter. Subscribing is free! For everyone who feels like a beginner at life, and wants to connect in some way.

I’m a rule follower, to an embarrassing extent. I mean I feel uneasy walking or cycling through a red light even when there’s no-one in the vicinity. Once, when I did break a rule skipping class, I asked permission first (I know). And yes, I actually got that permission – I mean doesn’t that say it all?

It’s strange, because society encourages me to follow these rules — think institutions, laws, etc. — but it is also society that tells me it reflects badly on me that I do indeed obey. The result is inner tension and conflict no matter what I do. So I mostly do what’s in my nature, follow the rules, regardless of whether they actually serve me (or some greater good).

Recently I realised, though, that the answer isn’t to go against my nature and break the rules, nor is it to follow the existing ones. Instead I should make my own.

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I started a new job not too long ago (first job in years following lots of fatigue due to burnout and long Covid), and found myself defaulting to stress mode. As soon as the clock was running (what didn’t help is that there is an actual clock running on the app that times my shift), my body and mind would shift into a state it still knew all too well from all the years leading to that burnout.

And I knew why. For underlying it was a set of subconscious rules such as ‘you need to work efficiently’, ‘no mistakes allowed’, and ‘don’t waste a second’. Basically the pressure went from nill to a hundred the instant I pressed start — very stress-inducing.

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Because it was such a big deal to start work again after a long time, at the start it took up all of my energy and headspace. And so I spent my free time bingewatching Atypical on Netflix.

It’s a series about an autistic eighteen year old boy. His character fits the stereotype of autism more so than I do, but I still really enjoyed watching him go about life, relating to things here and there.

At one point he finds himself in a casual relationship, of which he has no idea what it means. To solve the issue he goes straight to the source and simply asks his casual girlfriend what the rules of this relationship are.

Once he knows the rules he’s fine, he knows what to do. It turns out it’s his girlfriend, the one who came up with the rules, who is actually less fine. Anyway, this made me realise that you can simply make up your own rules. Following them isn’t the issue, ensuring that the particular set of rules that I am adhering to are helpful rather than harmful to me, however, is vital.

That’s what I needed to do, make up my own rules, and I did. I needed to aim for good enough, for example, rather than perfect. No, actually, good enough in my mind was still near perfect, I in fact needed to aim for ‘it’ll do’.This doesn’t mean that the work I deliver is actually of poor quality; the opposite is more likely, since taking the pressure off leaves me making fewer mistakes.

And so I made a list of helpful work rules. My stress levels dropped for various reasons (getting used to the job and that kind of thing), but this particular trick played a large part.

And I now know that I can apply this more widely too. In any situation where something feels off I can try to uncover any subconscious rules, ask myself whether they are serving me, and change them if I need to.

I think it works, firstly, because this method goes to the root of the issue, rather than just putting on a plaster of stress management techniques. And secondly, since instead of going against it, it takes advantage of my rule-following nature.

I am curious to see to what other aspects of my life I’ll apply this in the future, and how it will work out.

I suppose that this method can be extrapolated to anything, not just rules. In what way can you use what’s in your nature to work for you? I’m curious to hear if anything comes to mind for you.