Recovering from my breakup

The power of antifragility

(This is an audio version of this letter, recorded by me, imperfectly and without editing. I hope you enjoy listening.)

Hello, I’m Philippine and to be honest, I feel like a beginner at life – I am forever trying to make sense of it. You can find my attempts at this, plus reflections, musings and experiences right here, in my newsletter. Subscribing is free! For everyone who feels like a beginner at life, and wants to connect in some way.

There’s actually something I’ve been keeping from you. I wanted to make sure I was ready to share. And then today, when I wasn’t sure what to write about, I thought of this as an option. Something like ‘yeah I could do that, but I don’t exactly feel compelled to do so’ went through my head – I don’t know if there could be a clearer sign that I’ve processed it to a great enough extent and that I am indeed ready to share.

When I started posting on Substack last spring, I was in the middle of a relationship break, that soon became a breakup with my then boyfriend of almost five years who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.

It may be precisely because this was happening in my life that I started my newsletter – I knew that I needed something to not only keep me busy, but give me a sense of purpose. For my fatigue (burnout and long Covid) had reduced my life so much that perhaps 80% of the meaning of it came from my ex.

Perhaps then, even though I didn’t initiate the break nor the breakup, I needed this relationship to end (trust me, it did not feel like that at first). Not because it was a bad relationship (it wasn’t), but because I needed to be thrown into the deep end, where I had no choice but to swim. It made me experience and feel that I can indeed swim, I can stand on my own two feet – it’s been unexpectedly empowering.

My burnout and long Covid recovery have progressed exponentially quickly since, it seems. I’ve not only started this newsletter, but also a little job (which is big after years of illness). I’m able to walk for much longer, I socialise more, and so on. My friend even said that I seemed more like myself again.

Don’t get me wrong though, it’s been rough. The break felt like the breakup already and so I was completely in shock when it happened. I barely slept that night (the last time comforted by him, lying in his arms), and the next day when he went to work, I had no idea what to do with myself. I made breakfast, mostly just so that I had something to do, but I could hardly eat a single bite (something that usually only happens to me when I’m physically too ill to eat). Then I just sort of waited till my mum came home (which took forever) – sitting in one chair then on that sofa, looking out the window, then listening to a podcast: unable to find a position or activity that worked.

From then on I spent a lot of time just watching telly with my mum to get through the days. This was actually harder than it sounds, because most things weren’t an option due to their romantic nature. I needed things like funny quizzes and easy to watch house hunting programmes. Anything so I didn’t get the blow of sadness or fear full force.

And then, it just slowly got better. I could eat again. I saw some friends. Then pms would hit, making me feel incredibly sad all day. Ups and downs. A big down being the actual breakup, six weeks or so into the break. It’s a kind of grief, both like and unlike when someone close to you passes away. But I not only lost someone, I also lost the comfort of knowing that he loved me even if he wasn’t there to tell me.

Suddenly my brain needed to reconfigure everything: past and future, love and life. It’s an exhausting emotional rollercoaster – both memories and plans, that will now never happen, going through my mind involuntarily. However, it also means starting life from scratch, which is a little bit exciting, really.

And that is probably the most important thing I can tell you if you’re going through something similar: you can not only get through this, you can get out if it better, improved, grown. Even if it felt like the opposite, it really helped me to view this new fact of my life as something that was for the better, for me.

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There is this concept called antifragility. It’s like resilience but better. It means not merely bouncing back, but bouncing back even higher. And apparently, simply knowing about this phenomenon can help you do just that. I found this a comforting thought; hopefully so do you.

Nonetheless, this doesn’t mean that you won’t feel horrible. If anything, it’s an opportunity to practise just feeling your feelings, allowing them without resistance (I still find this terribly hard). That is what it comes down to, I think: 1) have faith in bouncing back and beyond 2) feel your feelings when they come up 3) distract yourself in-between. And no matter how long it takes, with however many ups and downs, at some point – perhaps sooner than you think – you’ll be writing a post about your breakup relatively unbothered.

Of course I still feel sad sometimes, when I don’t feel good and crave his comfort, nor am I looking forward to finding out he’s in a new relationship. Yet I know I’ll be able to handle it.

If you’re going through a breakup right now, think of all the other people going through one. You are not alone. This sucks and you are going to make it through and thrive.

Anything you’d like to share regarding your experience with breakups?