The weight of guilt

Now that my energy has increased, so has the feeling of guilt

Hello, I’m Philippine and to be honest, I feel like a beginner at life – I am forever trying to make sense of it. You can find my attempts at this, plus reflections, musings and experiences right here, in my newsletter. Subscribing is free! For everyone who feels like a beginner at life, and wants to connect in some way.

When I was in the depths of burnout and long covid, there was no space to feel guilty. My fatigue was like a high fever in that it left no question regarding doing anything useful at all. It was simply unthinkable. I was lucky if I could clean my own retainer or wash my hair. I was busy learning to rest and feeling utterly exhausted all the time anyway. Now, although I haven’t fully recovered, I have gained some more energy, and I’m able to do things again. Instead of merely trying to minimise my energy debt, I now have some energy to spend. And even if I find it hard not to focus on the energy I still don’t have, it is amazing to be where I am, especially thinking back to a time when where I am at right now would have seemed pretty much like paradise. And yet this comes with a sticky feeling of guilt.

I feel guilty that I’m not contributing more, to the household, to our income, to society. I feel guilty that I’m not doing more useful things. I feel guilty that I’m not making a better use of my time and energy. I feel guilty that I’m not being more productive, doing more things for my future self, for my long term happiness and wellbeing. I feel guilty that I’m not doing more for others. And I feel guilty that I don’t spend my time and energy more meaningfully. Goodness, it’s a heavy weight. As if, now that the weight of fatigue has lifted a little, it has immediately been replaced by the weight of guilt.

It might seem like there is a simple solution: just do those things. I have the energy now, so I should do them. Well, that’s what my guilt says, yes, but in reality the situation is more complex. Another part of me begins to protest loudly at this idea. No! We’re not ready. And, no, I can’t do this, it’s all too much. Indeed, I am not fully recovered. And pushing myself to do all of the shoulds and have tos, spending that little bit of energy that I’ve gained largely on obligations, might not be the best idea.

Both of these parts of me have a good point. And at first this was driving me crazy, both feeling incredibly guilty and experiencing a huge wave of resistance and overwhelm, pulling me in opposite directions, of action and inaction, like a tug of war. This, in turn, left me torn and in despair. I didn’t know what to do and I did know that I had to find out soon, because this was killing me.

The day after this inner conflict peaked, with a bit more distance and detachment, I realised I needed to listen to both, rather than choose just one of the two. It seems so obvious now, but at the time it felt like an epiphany. My guilt was pointing out to me that contribution, for example, is important to me, which is a valuable thing to know. Thank you, guilt. And my overwhelm had shown me that I needed more time to recover without any obligations.

What I need then, is a middle way, something instead of everything or nothing – oh how hard I find this, it’s a lesson I have to learn over and over again. In this instance, sticking to my contribution example as that was bugging me the most at the time, a compromise would be to do a little more in the household, small things that feel doable and with a relaxed approach – I don’t have to do them all the time – leaving plenty of room for recovery.

This realisation gave me so much space, that I feel much lighter now. And yet this struggle isn’t over. I’m still going through the messiness of recovery – and the messiness of life of course. If my fatigue was like a high fever, my current state is like recovering from a flu, right in the middle of that annoying phase where you feel too well to indulge in relaxing and too ill to do much of anything else. It’s where on the one hand the lack of life and inability to do anything is starting to make you feel very down, and where, on the other hand, life seems so incredibly overwhelming that you start to wonder how you ever managed it before, questioning whether you’ll ever be able to do it again. I just need to have faith that, just like with a flu, everything will work itself out. I need to allow myself to be in this mess of a transition – simply being in it and going through it.

How are you navigating this, or any, type of guilt?

In this post you can find out a little bit more about me and my journey.